She Who Must Be Named Idiot

We watched the indian contingent march in the Olympic Stadium with pride and awe and a little bit of confusion. The confusion occurred due to a lady who walked boldly in the forefront of the delegation wearing a red tracktop and blue pants. The fact that she was thouroughly enjoying the moment was obvious, so was the fact that she stood out due to the chromatic connundrum she caused. The dress theme of the indian contingent was yellow. The women wore yellow saris, while the men wore yellow turbans. Ms Nagendra stood out like a sore thumb... in fact, literally like a sore thumb with the appropriate red-blue coloration that accompanies the said mishap. Of course, we didn't know who the hell she was then. But the media was on to it and thanks to them we now have a name that will be a synonym for 'the Biggest Idiot' for a while and 'the Greatest Gatecrasher' for a long, long time.

This accident has pointed out a horrendous breach of security at the event. The government has rightfully demanded an explanation from IOC. The issue will be discussed at length and from all perspectives possible. Hopefully, it will be sorted out soon and most importantly, we hope, steps will be taken to avoid such a breach of security during the rest of the Games.

We have a different gripe, though. We are astonished by Ms Nagebdra's behaviour. What exactly was she thinking before leading the national contingent without wearing the uniform? If she really was a part of the team, where was her dress code? If she didn't have the uniform, didn't it occur to her to walk at the back of the contingent, rather than at the forefront? Didn't she think whether or not she has a right to be there? Didn't she pause a second before entering the arena and think whether or not she deserved to walk with people who have toiled hard day in and day out just TO BE  THERE? Didn't she think of the consequences of her actions, the interpretations of her actions? The list of doubts is so long that eventually one begins to ask, DID MS NAGENDRA THINK AT ALL? Her lack of judgment is absolutely gigantic on its own, no doubt. This lack takes even more mind boggling proportions when one considers that she is a student of management studies! (One Suresh Kalmadi jumps to mind when we see certain similarities.)  

So we can't really help but put her actions through our own grind.

• What is it that even Rajnikanth couldn't find? Madhura Nagendra's brain.
• Who holds the record of highest number of breaking a traffic signal in Bengaluru? Madhura Nagendra, as she can't spot the difference between red and yellow.
• What's the name of the forthcoming self-help book by Ms Nagendra? The 7 habits of highly defective people.
• How many Madhura Nagendras are needed to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to be working well, because she knows how to screw something that's going well.
• Why did Madhura Nagendra cross the road? She saw the chicken crossing the road and decided to join the chicken.      
• Who took that famous photograph of Tenzing Norgay hoisting a flag atop Mt Everest? Madhura Nagendra. She had joined the climbing team at the last moment (uninvited, of course).
• Why is Mona Lisa having a confused smile? Well, she was perplexed to see Madhura Nagendra painting alongwith Da Vinci.
• Why was Madhura Nagendra offered a job with the CID (the real ones)? She doesn't mind working in plain clothes. 
• Why was Madhura Nagendra NOT offered a role in CID (the series)? The producers feared, she would steal the limelight even from people like ACP Pradyuman, Daya and Abhijit. 
• Why did Poonam Pandey and Rakhi Sawant start visiting a psychiatrist? They developed a severe inferiority complex when they saw the blatancy of Madhura Nagendra.    

Thanks a bunch Ms Nagendra! As they say in hindi, "yahan dikhen, 'wahan' mat dikhayee dena!"

 

The age of communication

We live in a world of continuous and constant communication. We blog our thoughts in detail; we tweet our thought-bites; we text, we post and podcast, we you-tube, we comment and like (and sometimes even super-like), we share, we +1, we what's-app.... We express, we show, we seek, we vent... in short, we manifest ourselves digitally in every which way possible.

It is our tendency to think that the technology pervades every little aspect of our life. The tone here is slightly defensive. It is the tone of a parent who has raised a prodigious child and who is now grudgingly accepting the fact while being a bit abashed about it, too. But this popular perspective is perhaps a bit biased. It is like we are looking at the transgressions of our own child, but at the same time, we are overlooking our own particular way to handle the situation. By letting the communication technology pervade our every breathing moment, we are not succumbing to the great force, rather it is our way to assimilate it. What we perceive to be the offensive presence of the monster is actually our attempt to tame the same wild monster. The ever-growing presence of technology in our life should not be treated as something pathological. We tend to think about it as something threatening to our core human values, but, may be, it would do us better justice to perceive the same threatening aspect as the potency of this tool. After all, the way to fight an inevitable tide is not to 'fight' it in the conventional sense, rather, to contain it, to engulf it. We are more likely to dissipate the wild nature of this monster not by shunning it, but by embracing it wholeheartedly. Such a change in the attitude may help us prevent these inventions from being invasions.

Our constant grumbling about the invasive nature of ever-evolving communication tools is really not giving our indomitable human spirit its deserving due. For those of us who prefer to see everything as some sort of a competition (perhaps justifiably so), we could treat the whole human-technology interaction as a kind of a tussle between the Natural Human and the Synthetic Human. The human spirit has always fought to survive... sometimes it has fought back and sometimes, as is evident now, it has fought in. Furthermore, let us realise, the scorching pace of evolution in the synthetic world is not just continuous, but to our great amazement, it is highly contagious, too. More and more people are participating the social media, making their presence felt one way or the other. With the spread of this 'epidemic', we have an ever-growing variety of human minds applying and adapting themselves to this new envronment, thereby getting a better collective hold over the seemingly scary and inhospitable landscape. 

Still, we must not lose the sight of the bigger picture. Nicholas Carr once said, "We've come to confuse communication with the exchange of explicit information. What can't be turned into data loses its perceived value." Quite so. After all, communication does not have to be so vulgarly external and concrete. Granted it is a natural tendency to share our hopes and aspirations, our joys and our sorrows with fellow human beings, and yet, there comes a time, to paraphrase Henry David Thoreau, when a man "passes the age of communication". There is a time in our life when we no longer want to share. We probably reach a point of stabilised catharsis, where we become incommunicado with the tangible, physical world and the only communication we seek is with the intangible, metaphysical self. And then, following the footsteps in the long tradition of great philosopher-hermits, we seek the deepest silence... The Age of Communication slowly transcends into the Age of Communion with the Great Wilderness. 

वॉटसनचा दुष्टावा

वॉटसनने जितक्या गोष्टी सांगितल्या, त्याहून जास्त सांगितल्या नाहीयेत. होम्सच्या कथांमध्ये अशा अनेक प्रकरणांचे केवळ उल्लेख सापडतात. उदा. क्लबफूटवाला रिकोलेटी आणि त्याची घृणास्पद बायको (Ricoletti of the clubfoot and his abominable wife), घरी राहिलेली छत्री घ्यायला घरात गेलेला आणि गायबच झालेला जेम्स फिलिमोअर याचे प्रकरण, अ‍ॅल्युमिनिअमच्या कुबडीचे प्रकरण (case of aluminium crutch) इ. इ. अनेक प्रकरणांचे नुस्ते उल्लेख वॉटसने करून ठेवले आहेत आणि नंतरच्या अनेक लेखकांची सोय करून ठेवली. काही काही प्रकरणांची नावेच इतकी भन्नाट आहेत की मला आठवते, गोष्ट वाचताना असा उल्लेख आला की गोष्टीचा धागा सोडून 'या प्रकरणात काय झाले असेल?' हाच विचार थोडा वेळ तरी केला आहे. माझ्या सर्वात आवडीचे म्हणजे 'राजकारणी, दीपगृह आणि प्रशिक्षित कॉर्मोरंट' (the case of the politician, the lighthouse and the trained cormorant). कसले खंग्री आणि उत्सुकता चाळवणारे नाव आहे! याचा उल्लेख वॉटसन 'the case of veiled lodger' मध्ये करतो. तोसुद्धा महान टेचात करतो - I deprecate, however, in the strongest way the attempts which have been made lately to get at and to destroy these papers. The source of these outrages is known, and if they are repeated I have Mr. Holmes's authority for saying that the whole story concerning the politician, the lighthouse, and the trained cormorant will be given to the public. There is at least one reader who will understand. थेट मासिकातून प्रसिद्ध होणार्‍या गोष्टीतून एकाला धमकीवजा सूचना आणि तेसुद्धा बहुतेक करून एका राजकारण्याला! थरारक रहस्य म्हणतात ते हेच असावे.


या गोष्टी 'कॉक्स अँड कंपनी' या बँकेत असलेल्या होम्सच्या सेफ डिपॉझिट बॉक्समध्ये आहेत. त्यातून अजून काय काय बाहेर पडेल? इजाडोरा पर्सानोचे रहस्य कळेल. हा माणूस एका आगपेटीकडे वेड्यासारखा टक लावून का बघत राहिला होता? त्या आगपेटीत शास्त्राला अज्ञात असा एक किडा होता, तो किडा कोणता? मटिल्डा ब्रिग्स हे बाईचे नाव नाही, तर जहाजाचे नाव आहे. त्याचा संबंध सुमात्राच्या प्रचंड उंदरांशी आहे एवढेच आम्हाला माहिती आहे. होम्स म्हणतो, ती गोष्ट ऐकण्यासाठी जग अजून तयार नाही. लाल रंगाच्या जळवेने नक्की काय केले? हे आणि इतर अनेक रहस्ये त्या बॉक्समध्ये आहेत.

त्या बॉक्समध्ये फक्त ही रहस्येच नाहीत. वॉटसनने जाता जाता उल्लेख केल्यामध्ये होम्सच्या अनेक 'मोनोग्राफ्स'चासुद्धा (अभ्यासपूर्वक लिहिलेला लेख) समावेश आहे. होम्सला अनेक विषयांमध्ये गती होती. त्याचे एक कारण म्हणजे त्याची स्वतःची आवड आणि दुसरे कारण म्हणजे व्यावसायिक आवश्यकता. त्यामुळे त्याने अत्यंत चित्रविचित्र विषयांवर अभ्यासपूर्ण लेख लिहिले. पण ते कधी वाचनात आलेले नाहीयेत. यात त्याचे सर्वात महत्त्वाचे लेखन आहे - ’द होल आर्ट ऑफ डिटेक्शन’, अर्थातच शोधण्याची, अनुमान बांधण्याची संपूर्ण कला! हे लेखन अजूनही पूर्ण झाले नाहीये असे मानण्यास वाव आहे. त्याची कच्ची प्रत नक्कीच त्या बॉक्समध्ये असणार. शिवाय पुढील काही तांत्रिक लेखन -

• Upon the distinction between the ashes of the various tobaccos - यावर होम्सशिवाय अधिक अधिकाराने कोण लिहू शकेल?
• Monograph on polyphonic motets of Lassus - ब्रुस-पार्टिंग्टन प्लॅन्सचे प्रकरण सुरु असताना होम्स हे लिहित होता. ते प्रकाशित झाले पण फक्त खाजगी वितरणसाठी. Polyphonic motets of Lassus हा पाश्चात्य संगीतातला इतका कानाकोपर्‍यातला विषय आहे की बस्स! पण होम्सने त्यावर अभ्यासपूर्ण लेख लिहिला आणि वॉटसन म्हणतो - तज्ज्ञांच्या मते हा लेख म्हणजे या क्षेत्रातला 'अंतिम शब्द’ आहे.
• शिवाय Anthropological Journal मध्ये कानांवर दोन छोटे लेख.
• गोंदवण्यावर लिहिलेले लेख.
• एक 'जाता जाता' लिहिलेला सांकेतिक भाषेवरचा लेख. आता 'जाता जाता' लिहिला असल्यामुळेच बहुतेक त्यात फक्त १६० वेगवेगळ्या सांकेतिक भाषांचे विश्लेषण केले आहे!
• ’The book of life’, ज्याचा उल्लेख ’साइन ऑफ फोर’मध्ये येतो - somewhat ambitious title of an article written for an English magazine, attempting to show how much an observant man might learn by accurate and systematic examination of all that came in his way. यावरून तरी असे वाटते की ही 'द होल आर्ट ऑफ डिटेक्शन'ची सुरूवात असणार. 
• सरतेशेवटी, अर्थातच Practical handbook of bee culture. हे तर पाहिजेच. निवृत्त झाल्यावर मधमाशीपालन सुरू केल्यावर त्यावरही संशोधन करून पुस्तक लिहून टाकले.

लेखांच्या या विस्तृत पसार्‍यातून होम्सची चिवट, वैज्ञानिक वृत्ती दिसते - दिसला विषय की धर त्याला आणि घुस खोलात. मग मधुमक्षीपालनासारखा केवळ छंद म्हणून धरलेला विषयसुद्धा होम्सच्या तावडीतून सुटत नाही.

या लेखनाबद्दल आम्ही फक्त ऐकून असतो, पण वाचायला कधी मिळाले नाहीत. त्यांची एक तरी प्रत कॉक्स अँड कम्पनीच्या बॉक्समध्ये असेलच की. केवळ तो बॉक्स मिळवण्यासाठी या कॉक्स अँड कंपनीवर दरोडा टाकावा असे तीव्रतेने वाटते. कोण येतंय?

Higgs oh Higgs!

Physicists at CERN declared that they have found a particle which is very very likely to be the much sought Higgs boson. This has spawned a mini-industry involving physicists, science writers and science enthusiasts (aka geeks) trying either to explain it to the lay audience or having a little bit of fun at the expense of the particle. Here are a few remarks that I overheard on social media. The exact sources are unknown.

• If only Higgs looked like Angelina Jolie... Higgs boson would have really sounded nice then. (Credit : Ashish Kapoor)
• After a number of particles for the classes, we finally get a particle for the 'masses'. (Credit : Venkat Swaminathan)
• In India, the particle would have been named 'Rajiv Gandhi Particle Of Mass'. (Credit : Venkat Swaminathan, Ashish Kapoor) (In Maharashtra, they would rename it as 'Chhatrapati Shivaji Particle of Mass')
• Thank God, it was a scientist named Bose and not More (a maharashtrian surname), else the particles would have been named morons. (Credit : Abhijeet Joshi, Venkat, Ashish)
• The governement would build a residential scheme for the scientists involved in the discovery. It would have apartments owned by people like Sadhu Yadav, Sitaram Ghandat, Ashok Chavan's sister-in-law. (Credit : Mandar Udas.)

After getting such reactions from the common man, the media decided it's time to get serious. So the media  approached our political class and asked the same question - What's your opinion on the recent discovery of Higgs boson?
The answers proved to be highly illuminating.

• Dr Abdul Kalam : The obvious first choice to go to. He immediately launched a full powerpoint presentation on Higgs boson, its significance to science, the state of science in India and his plan to improve the situation. The journalists' eyes glazed over within first few minutes. Dr Kalam eneded the presentation with the statement, "... and so, this is how I perceive Higgs particle and my vision for the Indian science." Within few minutes, all the major news channels started carrying the headline "APJ spots God Particle independent of CERN".
• PM Manmohan Singh : "It's a great victory for the whole mankind. I cannot congratulate the concerned scientists before checking with our allies." (In his defense, he seemed to be the only person other than APJ who had understood the question.)
• Sonia Gandhi : "We will name it as Rajiv Gandhi Particle of Mass. The particle has mass-appeal just like Rajiv Gandhi had. I have instructed Kapil Sibal to change textbooks accordingly." 
• Nitin Gadkari : "Why Rajiv Gandhi? We protest. We want it to be named Atal Bihari Particle of Mass. Without the particle, the universe would be inconsequential, just like our party without Atalji."  
• Mohan Bhagwat (RSS Chief) : "Mass is a christian tradition. This just another example of the level the  Congress government would stoop to to appease minorities. We will launch a nationwide campaign against this. Anyway, this is not a new discovery. You will find it's mentioned in the Vedas as 'sooxmahooni sooxma'. We wnat it called Hindu God Particle."    
• Pranav Mukherjee : "This is a great news. I will talk to our allies, I will talk to the opposition and I will also talk to Didi. I am certain, we could reach an agreement about the name. We also need to send a congratulatory letter to the involved scientists. The content of the letter would be decided by a committee involving all the coalition parties and chaired by Ms. Sonia Gandhi."
• P. A. Sangma : "Higgs boson is one of the first things born in the universe. He is an Aadivasi of the Universe. I am also from tribal community. I am proud of Higgs boson. I want to be the first tribal boss on the Rashtrapati Bhavan. Also, Pranav Mukherjee is a member of ISI." [The last statement was too much even for media. Mr Sangma clarified later, he meant Indian Statistical Institute.] 
• Mamta Banerjee : "We are going to have a huge celebratory procession on Kolkata roads in honour of the great bangla inventor of music systems, Dr Jagdishchandra Bose." [Media went hyper. The channels started showing "Didi confused between Amar, Jagdish and Satyendra" or "What's in a name? Ask Didi" or "Didi tera tevar diwana!" The students of the Saha Institute in Kolkata approached general public and conducted a survey. The questionnaire had only one question - Who invented Azad Hind Sena? They were later arrested under the charges of defamation of Mamta Didi.]  
• Jaya Amma : "We are going to invite Mr Bose and confer upon him the title "Rajnikanth of Physics", which is the highest award of Tamilnadu." 
• Didi visited Amma to ask her about this Bose guy and his whereabouts. Media went hyper again. The headlines read "2 Louts Make One Clout".
• Sharad Pawar : "It's worrying that a lot of scientific projects and institutions are going out of Maharashtra. They are choosing other states over Maharashtra, this should be looked into. Also, the monsoon this year will be satisfactory. It is late because of the Higgs Current in Switzerland, which has affected weather all over the world." 
• Prithviraj Chavan (Maharashtra CM) : "Congratulations to the scientists. The projects/institutions are not going out. We want them to stay, but our allies want to use the allotted land for constructing private hill stations." 
• Raj Thakare (MNS Chief) : "Why are there so few marathi scientists in TIFR? Why isn't the director of TIFR a maharashtrian?" 
• Narendra Modi : He was not available for comment. But the media found out later that Gujrat government has already begun the construction work on the next-gen particle accelerator. It was also revealed that scientists from CERN and Fermilab have already started relocating to Gujrat. 

With the political class thus covered, the next in line was the movie industry. Having an idea about the general science-awareness of this community and fearing that the word 'mass' would be quickly misinterpreted, the media chose to approach only a select few.

• AB : "This is a tremendous achievement. I love reading about science. I must confess I am a science buff. I used to tell my favourite science fiction stories to the family while flying from one destination to the next when we were offering the Mangal Shanti Pooja all over India before Aish-Abhi's wedding. Great fun!"    
• Aamir Khan : "Great work by the scientists. The next issue on SMJ is going to be the plight of science and scientists in India. Do watch."  
• Rajnikath : "I had switched off mass while creating universe. After the creation the god requested, 'boss, on karo abhi.' I granted him the wish."

The media will continue to do its job. We welcome the readers to contribute to this list. Just write it in the comment.
A very very warm welcome, Higss Boson.