Higgs oh Higgs!

Physicists at CERN declared that they have found a particle which is very very likely to be the much sought Higgs boson. This has spawned a mini-industry involving physicists, science writers and science enthusiasts (aka geeks) trying either to explain it to the lay audience or having a little bit of fun at the expense of the particle. Here are a few remarks that I overheard on social media. The exact sources are unknown.

• If only Higgs looked like Angelina Jolie... Higgs boson would have really sounded nice then. (Credit : Ashish Kapoor)
• After a number of particles for the classes, we finally get a particle for the 'masses'. (Credit : Venkat Swaminathan)
• In India, the particle would have been named 'Rajiv Gandhi Particle Of Mass'. (Credit : Venkat Swaminathan, Ashish Kapoor) (In Maharashtra, they would rename it as 'Chhatrapati Shivaji Particle of Mass')
• Thank God, it was a scientist named Bose and not More (a maharashtrian surname), else the particles would have been named morons. (Credit : Abhijeet Joshi, Venkat, Ashish)
• The governement would build a residential scheme for the scientists involved in the discovery. It would have apartments owned by people like Sadhu Yadav, Sitaram Ghandat, Ashok Chavan's sister-in-law. (Credit : Mandar Udas.)

After getting such reactions from the common man, the media decided it's time to get serious. So the media  approached our political class and asked the same question - What's your opinion on the recent discovery of Higgs boson?
The answers proved to be highly illuminating.

• Dr Abdul Kalam : The obvious first choice to go to. He immediately launched a full powerpoint presentation on Higgs boson, its significance to science, the state of science in India and his plan to improve the situation. The journalists' eyes glazed over within first few minutes. Dr Kalam eneded the presentation with the statement, "... and so, this is how I perceive Higgs particle and my vision for the Indian science." Within few minutes, all the major news channels started carrying the headline "APJ spots God Particle independent of CERN".
• PM Manmohan Singh : "It's a great victory for the whole mankind. I cannot congratulate the concerned scientists before checking with our allies." (In his defense, he seemed to be the only person other than APJ who had understood the question.)
• Sonia Gandhi : "We will name it as Rajiv Gandhi Particle of Mass. The particle has mass-appeal just like Rajiv Gandhi had. I have instructed Kapil Sibal to change textbooks accordingly." 
• Nitin Gadkari : "Why Rajiv Gandhi? We protest. We want it to be named Atal Bihari Particle of Mass. Without the particle, the universe would be inconsequential, just like our party without Atalji."  
• Mohan Bhagwat (RSS Chief) : "Mass is a christian tradition. This just another example of the level the  Congress government would stoop to to appease minorities. We will launch a nationwide campaign against this. Anyway, this is not a new discovery. You will find it's mentioned in the Vedas as 'sooxmahooni sooxma'. We wnat it called Hindu God Particle."    
• Pranav Mukherjee : "This is a great news. I will talk to our allies, I will talk to the opposition and I will also talk to Didi. I am certain, we could reach an agreement about the name. We also need to send a congratulatory letter to the involved scientists. The content of the letter would be decided by a committee involving all the coalition parties and chaired by Ms. Sonia Gandhi."
• P. A. Sangma : "Higgs boson is one of the first things born in the universe. He is an Aadivasi of the Universe. I am also from tribal community. I am proud of Higgs boson. I want to be the first tribal boss on the Rashtrapati Bhavan. Also, Pranav Mukherjee is a member of ISI." [The last statement was too much even for media. Mr Sangma clarified later, he meant Indian Statistical Institute.] 
• Mamta Banerjee : "We are going to have a huge celebratory procession on Kolkata roads in honour of the great bangla inventor of music systems, Dr Jagdishchandra Bose." [Media went hyper. The channels started showing "Didi confused between Amar, Jagdish and Satyendra" or "What's in a name? Ask Didi" or "Didi tera tevar diwana!" The students of the Saha Institute in Kolkata approached general public and conducted a survey. The questionnaire had only one question - Who invented Azad Hind Sena? They were later arrested under the charges of defamation of Mamta Didi.]  
• Jaya Amma : "We are going to invite Mr Bose and confer upon him the title "Rajnikanth of Physics", which is the highest award of Tamilnadu." 
• Didi visited Amma to ask her about this Bose guy and his whereabouts. Media went hyper again. The headlines read "2 Louts Make One Clout".
• Sharad Pawar : "It's worrying that a lot of scientific projects and institutions are going out of Maharashtra. They are choosing other states over Maharashtra, this should be looked into. Also, the monsoon this year will be satisfactory. It is late because of the Higgs Current in Switzerland, which has affected weather all over the world." 
• Prithviraj Chavan (Maharashtra CM) : "Congratulations to the scientists. The projects/institutions are not going out. We want them to stay, but our allies want to use the allotted land for constructing private hill stations." 
• Raj Thakare (MNS Chief) : "Why are there so few marathi scientists in TIFR? Why isn't the director of TIFR a maharashtrian?" 
• Narendra Modi : He was not available for comment. But the media found out later that Gujrat government has already begun the construction work on the next-gen particle accelerator. It was also revealed that scientists from CERN and Fermilab have already started relocating to Gujrat. 

With the political class thus covered, the next in line was the movie industry. Having an idea about the general science-awareness of this community and fearing that the word 'mass' would be quickly misinterpreted, the media chose to approach only a select few.

• AB : "This is a tremendous achievement. I love reading about science. I must confess I am a science buff. I used to tell my favourite science fiction stories to the family while flying from one destination to the next when we were offering the Mangal Shanti Pooja all over India before Aish-Abhi's wedding. Great fun!"    
• Aamir Khan : "Great work by the scientists. The next issue on SMJ is going to be the plight of science and scientists in India. Do watch."  
• Rajnikath : "I had switched off mass while creating universe. After the creation the god requested, 'boss, on karo abhi.' I granted him the wish."

The media will continue to do its job. We welcome the readers to contribute to this list. Just write it in the comment.
A very very warm welcome, Higss Boson.